There is so much to say about the tragic deaths of Betsy Arakawa and Gene Hackman, but to realize how completely alone they were in life set them up for the losses we now experience in disbelief of it all.
To begin, it cannot go unnoticed how completely in love and devoted to each other they were. In the tragic reality of their deaths Betsy never wanted to let go of her aging husband. She cared for him and maintained a life of dignity with him. Gene was the luckiest man in the world and I am sure he realized that the day they met.
Betsy was an indomitable care giver. She maintained a life for herself by keeping everyone going. She lived life and the quality of that life. Even the couple’s three pets received care like clockwork. It is easy to say her joy in living included all aspects that surrounded them.
Betsy and Gene were very alone in a crowd of professionals that facilitated their needs. Those professionals knew them well enough within the constraints of those relationships to realize something was very wrong at home.
Betsy Arakawa and Gene Hackman were typical of our aged population in the USA. They were highly functional, but, walking a thin edge of safety the entire time.
Aged Americans can be very lonely and alone.
The University of Michigan maintains a very active interest in the aging American. They have discovered a trend of loneliness that can be pursued to lessen the danger that lies within it.
One aspect of aged living in the USA is the increased self-sufficiency allowing aged Americans to stay in the home they lived for most of their lives. I believe this Hollywood couple is an example of that. Betsy was so very, very able to care for her husband, their pets, and home that only a virus could take her away from Gene. But, when that virus struck it was the end of three lives and not just one.
I think long distance contact is as much a culprit in their deaths as the virus itself. My understanding is the extended family had occasional contact while they lived their busy lives. There wasn’t enough concern for the couple to bring others to their doorstep to reduce or remove that dangerous edge that existed invisibly in their lives.
As a society I believe we allow too much emotional space with our loved ones because of technology and the faux sense of safety it brings. That shows up loudly in the case of our aged. Just one time someone needed to stop Betsy from being indomitable and bring her to her own reality of the delicate nature of her age and illness.
We know older adults are more susceptible to illness and with vigorous lifestyles they run the risk of diminished immune response. Betsy while living the life she had was also facing a great deal of stress everyday. That stress was handled well until there was an increase demand in her body’s immune response. While carrying on with only a mask to wear, if a caregiver had been coming to see her daily, providing help during her illness, or caring for Gene and the home while she received in-hospital care; they might be alive today.
We could fall into discussing the fear of the virus, or how it was “just their time,” or why a dog was locked in a kennel, but, there is a large degree of neglect of Betsy that seems to come along with the gender as well as her outward expression of “ableness.” She needed help that could have been handled in many ways, but, thinking “Oh, she can handle it,” was a malady in our response as a society.
At a time when medical research is being given a dollar for expenses by the criminals in the White House, poison in our medications, and wrong headed screams about government spending with healthcare CEOs wanting greater profits, we need to backpedal in all that to realize American deaths take place in the era of profitability. We need better social engagement without ruining our dearly built quality of life.
What real quality of life looks like for Betsy and Gene would have included a prescribed social work visit that would bring balance to their lives. A social work visit that would not burdened them further financially, but, would find the best way forward. It is my opinion that Betsy needed sufficient relief until she was well enough to go back to her lifestyle and the loving care she gave Gene and their pets.
As Americans we need to love and feel a sense of belonging with our elders to realize we need each other. If that seems like an obligation, then realize “giving back” is a real
measure of extending one’s own life as age becomes an issue. Family involvement outside a phone call or Zoom visit is vital to the very people that gave the family life.
A social worker can connect family or friends with the changed dynamics of the elder(s) and find a way forward that takes care of everyone. These issues can be answered in many and varied ways, but, they need to be answered.
Our society and democracy is cracking full of ills generated without thought. Americans need to stop, smell the roses blooming into Spring, and end the deteriorating American lifestyle. I am convinced Betsy and Gene would be with us today if we only reflected on minor flaws that are easily fixed.
